“You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.” - The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams
2018: The year I decided to become Real.
No more pretending and hiding behind cheerful Facebook photos.
No more circles around the merry-go-round of anxiety > numbing > depression > keeping busy.
No more alcohol. No more wine. No more numbing.
My journey and my circumstances are unique and common at the same time. Unique in that only my mind in my particular timing made a decision for me. But I know I am not alone.
I have battled anxiety increasingly over the last few years, partly due to feeling like there was something wrong with me for not being happy. I'm supposed to be happy and loving life, right? I have a loving family, beautiful kids, a great husband, and a comfortable life. What is wrong with me that I want more? Why do these annoying feelings persist, making me feel like I am the odd one, and the rest of the world has some secret I don't?
I remember from a very early age wondering "Is that all there is?", like the Peggy Lee song ponders.
No. This can't be all there is. But I'll never see beyond the illusion if I never try to look. I'll never see the beauty if I keep on the blinders of alcohol, or whatever it is I choose to keep numb and distracted.
It has been 28 days since I last drank alcohol. I am happy and excited to be learning more about myself, even when I have to face past pains and uncomfortable truths. This blog is part of my journey in this new world of Real.
"He didn’t mind how he looked to other people, because the nursery magic had made him Real, and when you are Real shabbiness doesn’t matter."