This Sober mom is a blog by Stacey Wright, artist, mom, writer. Follow her journey of sober living.

Moderation: A Mind Divided

Moderation: A Mind Divided

Wow, what a great job we did on that 30-day challenge! No reason to stop now. Why not make it 60? Awesome! More? Sure… why not? We’re feeling great!

Alcohol cravings are gone and habits are changed. How is it possible that anxiety is creeping back in? Why do we still feel sad? Alcohol was supposed to be the culprit.

This sucks. We have more work to do, but don’t know where to start. Maybe we am obsessing over nothing. Maybe we just need to get with the program, work harder, smile more, and have a drink every now and then like everyone else. It seems to help, after all; the sadness or frustration goes away for a little while.

After all, we’ve made some nice progress and new discoveries. We don’t need alcohol! We can go for 6 months without it! We clearly don’t have a problem for me, right? We’ve had our share of pats on the back.

How long are we going to stick with this? Forever seems kinda unreasonable don’t you think? Everything in moderation is my motto. You got through that challenge and then some. Hey, you basically got an A+, the gold star, and you even wrote about it on a blog. Time to give it a rest. This was just an experiment, after all.

Nice to have our familiar friend, Chardonnay, back in town for a while. A glass once a week sounds about right. Maybe two glasses, especially if I’m celebrating.

These days are getting rough. We need some kind of pressure valve release by the end of the day. We can’t really escape the to-do list, the kids, dinner time, bedtime, homework, sublimating my emotions, and denying my frustrations, now, can I? We need to figure out how to keep everything going, how to keep up, keep performing, and be happy.

Just have another glass tonight to take the edge off. How many days has it been this week? Do we really need to count?

This all feels familiar. The cycle of anxiety, guilt, and broken promises from morning to evening. We don’t want to go down this road again. Annie Grace gave us the warning: if you try to moderate, but fail to keep promises to yourself, come back to sobriety.

Time to take off the mask that has been forming again, splitting us into warring selves, with the authentic version hiding somewhere behind years of people pleasing, fears, and wounds left unexplored.

We have more work to do, and alcohol is not helping. This is not a failure or a defeat, but another step of our journey. We need to go deeper than sobriety or a 30-day challenge. We need to uncover all the things we are trying to numb ourselves from in the first place.

So again we say goodbye to alcohol and return to seeking ourselves, mothering ourselves. Journaling, reading, writing, creating, and therapy are all part of the process. There will be tears. There will be sadness. We must go through it to get to the other side. This requires faith. Faith in the shining, brilliant freedom that comes from knowing and living into our full potential and sharing that light with the world.

Let 2019 be the year of becoming whole.

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